Some call me a hater. I believe that my life is so amazing, so absolutely wonderful, that I don’t have time for stuff that is either boring or absurd. Hence, my quick and ready ability to dislike any and everything. Double Hence, the five new or upcoming video games I will not buy, have no desire to play, and are probably huge wastes of time and energy. Onward!
Rock Band 2
I don’t get it. I just don’t. I mean, the idea of getting all your friends together and banging on instruments SOUNDS fun. But it only sounds fun to people who actually WANT to play instruments. Let me explain something to you. Videogames are, in fact, games. And games are nothing more than toys. And toys allow us to fulfill our deepest, darkest fantasies. For example, When I was a child, I played with He-men, and would have these great afternoons where Man-at-Arms would slaughter hordes of enemies while jumping off my bed with Battle-Cat. No where in my childhood did I ever want to play and instrument. Music? Huh? If I want to hear music, I’ll turn the radio on, or watch Soul Train, like normal people. When ever you say you don’t care about Rock Band 2 or Guitar Hero or any of the other extremely boring rhythm games, you are always looked at in disdain. How dare you not want to play this! Sorry. It isn’t what I refer to as, “A good time.” That, and I have no rhythm. I think it is funny that people will judge you on the basis that you play videogames, until a videogames comes along that is marketed to them. This way to the Gas Chambers, Ladies and Gentlemen. That was a book reference. Yes, I know you don’t read book. I know.
Resident Evil 5
Wow. This is the fifth installment to a franchise that I’ve never played. Never played one. Never played two. Never played three. Thought about playing four. I hear it now. The amazing feedback of the gaming elite. Like all cool things, videogames have certain creations that you are suppose to respect, no matter if they are worth respecting or not. Why haven’t I played the Resident Evil games? Because the marketing for the game has ultimately failed to make the game look interesting. Is it my responsibility to want to play that game, or should the marketing teams and developers have the responsibility? You can guess my answer. I’m sure the game is a blast. But, do you like tomatoes? How about going to the beach? Do you enjoy the laughter of children? Yeah, I hate all that crap, and I can’t give you a logical answer, nor do I have to. Oh, and yes. I know the combat from Gears of War is based off Resident Evil 4. Airplanes are based off the flight of birds, and Airplanes are, like, way tons faster. Face.
LittleBigPlanet.
Exactly how is this supposed to be THE game for the Playstation 3? I don’t get it. It blows my mind how insane this game looks. What, so, you make things? You make levels? And These little bastards run around the puzzle you make? Or you download a puzzle made by someone else? Huh? And, these little things do what? Like, what? I mean, I try to be smart. I went to school for almost a damn decade. But the appeal for this game just falls off my front side. User-Created-Content is the way to go, I guess. Give me a bunch of 3-D supped-up legos and let me go buck wild. Can’t I do that without paying for a sixty dollar game. I’ll get some two-year-olds and some wood from an construction site, add some oil and maybe a few tires and just let them go crazy. When they get hurt, or when a fire breaks out, the water hose can be like the restart button.
Spore.
I might just have a problem with “God” games. You know, those games that allow you to control and manipulate tons upon tons of people, even the environment. SIM games, all that stuff. I’ve never been a big fan of it. The idea is neat. Create this little thing and guide its evolution through the ages, even into outer space. But, then I see some of these Spore creations. Do you people miss the Muppets? Is that it? Do you really like cartoons that much? Seriously, the developers had two ways to go. They could make it look interesting, mature, and adult. Or they could make it look like the spent dreams of an under-loved Pixar character designer. I don’t like cute. I fucking hate cute. Teddy bears, things with fear, children. Cute is always the first things to get eaten. I could just say, yes, Spore isn’t my kind of game. I could just leave it there. No. I want to rain the hate down on these silly endeavors. As gamers, we need to demand more. I like some of the games that have come out in the last two years, but not all. What happened to games that just completely blow your brain apart? Why do we continue to support and desire games that a ten year old feels is a proper waste of time? I don’t want to play a game a ten year old would want to play. That very concept shows something broken in this industry.
Anything made by Nintendo.
Do I have to explain? Or can we wrap things up.
This blog has a neat feature. You can leave comments. Please, be as mean as you can. I never read them, anyway.
Wow. I actually agree with almost everything you said there, which is incredibly rare. I was almost hoping you would put Fallout 3 on the list, just so I could disagree with you. Also, your link to Penny Arcade in your blogroll is broken. There’s a hyphen between “penny” and “arcade.” Ah, there we go. I managed to throw a little criticism into this comment after all.