When you are perusing this, dear reader, my birthday would have came and went. My age and cumulating years is a concern for me and a common topic for this column. I can’t stop the passage of time. I can complain about it and act like I’m twenty, swarming around the town like an moron and spending my paycheck on top shelf vodka like Grey Goose, Skye, and Absolut. My real, true friends.
There is a price to be paid for 3 am kamikaze shots and finishing a six-pack when the sun is rising. The enemy of the workingman: The Hangover. Drink too much and the next morning you’ll have headaches, upset stomach, body aches, hot flashes, cold chills, light headiness and an all around horrible disposition. There are ways to ease your pain, your suffering, your just bad social decisions. I’m here to help you. That’s what kind of guy I am.
We keep forgetting that alcohol is a drug. It isn’t meant to be in our bodies, and when it gets in there the body wants to push it out. Normally, if you drink one beer, the body can metabolize the toxins and you’ll be fine. But who has one beer? Once you get over the limit of our bodies abilities, the toxins attack. Acetaldehyde? It’s the byproduct of the breaking down. That’s what makes your stomach hurt and your muscles ache. The headache? That comes from dehydration. The body needs water for stuff, I guess, like processing alcohol in the liver and kidney. Booze is a diuretic. You can’t process anything if you keep peeing it out. That’s why your back hurts after a power night at Slick and Red’s. That’s your kidneys complaining. And that’s why your head hurts. Cause you’re an idiot.
One easy way to make for body-friendly hangovers is to be careful of the booze you drink. Congeners are the toxic stuff created by fermentation. Some booze has less than others. Here is a little saying: Steer to Clear. Frown to Brown. Vodka and Gin have low congeners. Scotch has a little, but who drinks scotch? Rum is high. Whisky and bourbon are really, really high. That might be something we just have to deal with. I’m from the South. I drink whisky, like a real man.
How to curtail the hangover ugliness? First, pre-emptive strikes. Drink tons of water before you go out. “Build a base”, meaning eat greasy food before you start drinking. Grease coats the stomach, making you feel better. Gatorade is a cure-all too, apparently. Its disgusting and tastes like sugarless Kool-aid. But it replenishes minerals. The morning of the hangover, drinking more water is good. Bloody Marys and the “hair of the dog” works for true alcoholics. Hot sauna sessions, bananas, Excedrin Migraine, Alka-Seltzer, New England Clam Chowder, Juice, Chicken soup, lemons, throwing up, they all work. My friend and fellow writer, Kate, recommends, “Riding the Snake.” Even though it sounds naughty, it makes sense. She says to drink water, eat crackers and later in the afternoon, a baked potato. I have no idea where the snake thing came from out of that. My advice? Wake up, drink some water and take some ibuprofen, use the bathroom, then go back to bed. Sleep as much as you need. When you wake back up, turn off your cell phone, put on some sweats and watch Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. Then Myspace all the people you insulted the night before and apologize. Works like gangbusters.
ride the snake? like, take peyote the morning after?
a glass of milk does it for me; a dip in the pool never hurts either
but then again, i’m not even of age, what do i know?
how’s life post-ed jarvis?